Why is it you never see the headline... "PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY" ---------------------------------------------------- A man in a restaurant ordered a cup of coffee. "With or without cream, sir?", asked the waiter. "Without cream, please." The waiter returned from the kitchen, empty handed. "I'm sorry, sir, but we have no cream. Will you take it without milk?" ---------------------------------------------------- From Dave Barry's 1989 In Review April 21: The U.S. Surgeon General warns that if you make a really ugly face, it could get stuck that way. ---------------------------------------------------- The original Star Trek crew is getting a little old. Capt. Kirk just flew the Enterprise 2 million light years with the left turn signal on. Jay Leno ---------------------------------------------------- "When I look at my children, I often wish I had remained a virgin." Lillian Carter ---------------------------------------------------- "I told the truth Lord! How can I learn any moral lesson if you keep confusing me like this." Mouse "Ladyhawke" ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund? Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie. ---------------------------------------------------- While filming a chase scene in a movie, the robbers were using a hearse for their get-a-way car, they went around a corner and the back door flew open and the casket slid out the back. The director yells, "Cut! You'd better go back and rehease that!" ---------------------------------------------------- Fireman to homeowner: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... basically your house burned even faster. A employer was asked to write a recommendation for a worker who was leaving and was not known for putting out a great deal of effort while on the job. Since the employer did not want to lie and make this person better than he was, he thought a while before writing anything. Finally, he found just the right words: "You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you." ---------------------------------------------------- Hear about the new breed in pet shops?..... They crossed a pit bull with a collie..... It bites your leg off and goes for help. ---------------------------------------------------- I was in a store yesterday that had a lamp on sale for $13.98, regularly priced at $8.99. I asked if one could purchase it for the regular price, not the sale price. ---------------------------------------------------- (From "News of the Weird", in the 21 January San Jose News) Animalens Inc. of Wellesley, Mass., markets red contact lenses for chickens (at 20 cents a pair), pointing to medical studies showing that chickens seeing red during the day are happier and eat less food. A spokesman said the lenses will improve world egg-laying productivity by $600 million a year. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you here about the pharmaceutical company? They developed a new drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent. The FDA refused to licence it, though. Seems it was habit-forming. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sandy and Ian were out for the usual round of golf one day. "Tell you what, Ian. Let's make this game worth our time. I'll bet you a shilling that I score lower than you do this round." (Scotsmen, you see) "Sounds good, Sandy." And they were off. They matched scores for the first eight holes, and things were looking good when they teed off on the ninth. After their first drives, they trooped off for the next stroke. Problem was, Sandy could not find his ball. He looked all over, but to no avail. "Ian, help me look for my ball!" "I'll look around from here, Sandy. Don't forget--a lost ball counts as four strokes!" Sandy looked around some more, but couldn't find his ball. Finally, out of desperation, he snuck a new ball out of his pocket, and dropped it when Ian was not looking. "Ian, I've found me ball!" Ian exploded: "You cheater! How dare you! I never thought that any man I played a friendly round with would stoop to cheating for even a shilling!" Sandy said "What do you mean 'cheater'? I found my ball, I'll play it where it lies!" Ian said "That's not your ball! I've been standing on your ball for five minutes!" ---------------------------------------------------- Remember such great counter-bumper-stickers as: "When in-laws are outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws" (in response to: "When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.") and "Play an accordion ... go to prison. That's the law!" (in response to: "Use a gun ... go to prison. That's the law!") Well ... accordion players have now struck back! Twenty-five accordion players, lobbying to have the accordion declared San Francisco's "official musical instrument," all played "Lady of Spain" VERY LOUDLY on the steps of City Hall yesterday. They wanted to perform inside the building, but officials feared 25 accordions playing in unison would further damage the building, already damaged by the recent earthquake. ---------------------------------------------------- I heard a good procedure for determining whether a piece of software is "user friendly" or not. Ask yourself this question: "If this were a person, how long would it take before I punched it in the mouth?" ---------------------------------------------------- You've heard the terms Black Box and White Box testing. Here's a few of the less-known test methods. Black Box The tester has no clue as to what's going on inside. Often used by large corporations for software verification. More often NOT used by large corporations for software verification